The Purina Diet

I have a Great Dane, and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. I mentioned that I probably shouldn't be going on it again because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I told her that I'd lost 50 pounds, but I ended up waking up in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way that it works is to fill your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, and since I'd had success I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was now listening intently to my story, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind her. Somewhat horrified, the woman asked me if I poisoned myself by eating too much dog food. I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car had hit me.

I thought the black guy was going to have to stagger out the door.

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